Recursion
by Corvus corone
Summary: [established Gold/Silver, gameverse] Ethan and Silver play HeartGold and SoulSilver! Hilarity ensues.
1. New Bark Town

_contains: swearing, sexual references - no explicit situations;  
established Huntershipping - Gold/Silver game!verse - so not quite the same as PreciousMetalShipping;  
set about a year after the events of HeartGold/SoulSilver;_

_if you are interested, it is also set in the same continuity as other Gold/Silver fics I have written!_

ooo

**Chapter One  
**_In which... not much actually happens, but we begin the Pokemon adventures!_

ooo

"BOO!" said Ethan right as he surprised Silver with a hug.

Needless to say, it being a surprise, Silver was surprised. His first reaction was to give an undignified yelp and jump like a startled cat, and his second reaction was to cover up the yelp with a cough and elbow Ethan in the gut.

"Ow!"

"... sorry," muttered Silver.

"No-one else punches me for hugging them!"

"You shouted right in my ear! I thought something was attacking me, dumbass."

"Whatever." Ethan waved his hand vaguely. "Excuses, excuses... but anyway, back to what I was gonna say, I bet you can't guess what I bought today!"

"What did you buy?" asked Silver warily.

(The last time Ethan had surprised him with a gift, it had turned out to be a pink flowery envelope with a note inside reading, 'I want to HARDEN! I wanted people to look at my ONIX! COME ON! ME FIRST!'

"This is awful," Silver had said, smacking Ethan with the mail.

"Do you get it!?" Ethan had replied with a manic grin. "Also, these mail thingies cost a lot, you should be grateful! And it's really hard to get a decent message with the phrases they give you, I spent like half an hour trying to say 'penis' without saying 'penis'. Just think of the effort, Silver. So much effort."

"I don't get this last part..."

"C'mon, read it out."

"... come on me first?"

"Yeaaah, that's so hot.")

Ethan waved off his concerns with another flamboyant hand gesture. "Weeeell, I was going to get you some more sexy mail but they didn't have any of the gay floral print ones left, so I got you something slightly less awesome... new Pokemon games from Game Freak!"

"Hey, that is pretty cool," said Silver, getting up and peering into the plastic shopping bag. "I didn't even know there were even any new ones coming out."

"They're called HeartGold and SoulSilver, and guess what..."

"What?" said Silver once it was clear that Ethan was going to leave him hanging in suspense indefinitely.

"..."

"What?"

"... they star me! And you. Probably. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're in them too. But they star _me_! How cool is that?!"

"Are you serious?" Silver couldn't decide whether that was indeed cool, or funny, or just plain stupid. He decided on all three.

"It's SO cool! It's the coolest of all things cool!"

"Why would anyone would to make a game starring you?"

"Oh, I dunno, maybe because I'm the Champion and I'm just that fucking amazing?" Ethan posed in a suitably dramatic fashion. He was pretty sure that Silver was joking – after all, the company Game Freak was famed for developing new games based on the life stories of every Champion of every region yet – but Ethan never turned down the opportunity to pose dramatically.

"And wait, did you just say that I'm also in them?"

"Yeah, maybe, I thought I saw a little video game you in the screenshots. I don't think you're a STARRING CHARACTER though, sorry."

"... I don't remember giving permission for this..."

"Uh, actually... you did. At least, the person who faked your signature on the legal copyright whatsits did. Because you were away for two weeks training with Lance and I just wanted them to start making my game, okay?"

"Hey," said Silver, narrowing his eyes in suspicion, "is this another one of _those_ games starring me and you? Like the one we found in that... adult... store last time?"

"Oh yeah, that was great," said Ethan, nostalgically thinking about it.

"_Is_ it one of those games?"

"No!" Ethan said, returning to the present. "Game Freak is a family friendly company! I don't even think it has any romance at all in this. Which is really disappointing, actually."

"Good."

"Pah!"

Silver glared, but pulled out one of the game cases anyway. He looked at it critically. "Is that supposed to be you? Is that supposed to be _me_? What the hell is this? My hair doesn't look like that! I look like a moron."

"I look awesome as usual," Ethan said. "Of course, that's because nothing can go wrong if it involves me. Of course."

"Shut up," Silver said, showing him the back of the case. "Look, you look pretty stupid too. Are those flared shorts you're wearing?"

"Shorts are the best," said Ethan defensively. No-one was allowed to criticise the shorts! He'd been wearing them since he was a youngster, and he definitely wasn't going to give them up just yet.

ooo

"Have you found it yet?" shouted Silver in the general direction of the bedroom. There was a crash and a muffled 'OOWWW nooo sorry about that', and then Ninetales stalked out of the room looking haughty and carrying a hairbrush.

"Ninetaaales," she said, deigning to sit on the sofa next to Silver. She flicked one of her tails over at his face – it was noticeably messed up and was sporting a muddy footprint. Then she flung the hairbrush onto Silver's lap.

"Ask nicely," grumbled Silver. There was a brief stare-off between moody stubborn human and moody stubborn Pokemon.

"Grr... ninetales, tales?" said Ninetales, looking slightly sheepish but mostly 'I can't believe I'm bending to this level, human'.

Silver gave her another glare before picking up the footprint-stamped tail and attempting to brush the fur back into its usual gleaming perfection. He was getting practiced at this, possibly having put too many hours into styling his own hair over the years. Whenever he'd suggested that Ninetales should just try and teach Ethan to brush her, she'd given him a look of absolute horror. And whenever he'd complained to Ethan about his completely reformed non-abusive Pokemon training being exploited for Ninetales's personal styling every morning, Ethan had just grinned and told him that it would be good bonding for both of them.

And also Silver wasn't sure that Ethan knew what a hairbrush _was_.

"I found it!" yelled Ethan triumphantly. He bounded back into the room, brandishing a rather dirty-looking DS.

"Where was it?"

"In my underwear drawer!"

"Alright."

Since Ethan had moved in (with his suitcase full of various 'cool' patterns of boxers, briefs and everything in between), the list of things found in underwear drawers had extended to a five-page essay including chips, Pokeballs, empty ketchup bottles, Caterpies, teddy bears, underwear, four of Ninetales's fur brushes, and a whole stash of rare candy. Silver had long given up being surprised at what Ethan dug up from there.

"Okay, you got yours? Charger? Glasses? Snacks? Drinks? We're gonna be marathon-ing this, by the way. Hopefully it won't take as long as that Final Fantasy one..."

"Yes to all of those except glasses," Silver said. "I hate those things."

"... ta-da!" Ethan held up some glasses. "Sorry, they were also in the underwear drawer."

"I said, I hate those things!"

"Yes, but you need to wear them otherwise you'll GO BLIND, so shut up and wear them."

There was a scuffle as Ethan leant over the back of Silver's sofa in an attempt to get the glasses on his face. Ninetales leapt up, snarling at both of them, and marched out of the room.

"Get off me!"

"DO YOU WANT TO GO BLIND?!"

Silver made an indistinct sound of pure anger and struggled to get out of Ethan's grasp. Unfortunately, the struggling only made Ethan's grip around his neck tighter, which was not good for his air inhalation status.

"Stop struggling and deal with it!" Ethan said.

"Mmmgrhrgrh!" said Silver, throwing himself forwards off the sofa so that Ethan was pulled into, and then onto, it. He didn't actually make it off the sofa though, because of course Ethan's arm was still around his neck. And now it was worse, because dragging Ethan on top of the sofa really meant dragging Ethan on top of _him_, which meant his only escape route had been closed off.

"Aha!"

"Can't... breathe..."

"Sorry," said Ethan, unwrapping his arm from Silver's neck. He slid the glasses onto Silver's face. "Don't take them off!"

"Fuck off."

"This is quite comfortable actually," Ethan loudly proclaimed. "In fact, I could probably stay here forever, watching you wear your glasses. Forever and ever, while I pin down your hands so you can't take them off."

The attempted headbutt from Silver turned into a general struggle for freedom, because Ethan had unfortunately moved his head away from headbutting range. Ethan was surprisingly heavy.

"Ferali rali fergatr?" said Feraligatr, poking his head into the doorway. _Have you started playing yet?_

"No because Silver's being a whiny prick!" shouted Ethan back at the doorway.

Feraligatr shrugged, growled something that presumably translated to, "Hurry up and finish having sex with him because I want to see the game already," and stomped back out into the kitchen.

"He's got a point," said Ethan. "I want to see the game already too."

"You're the one on top of me," Silver pointed out.

"Exactly!"

"... no, that doesn't make any sense."

Ethan grinned and kissed him. Then he rolled off and fell on the floor. "Oof."

Silver kicked him.

"You'd better keep those glasses on," threatened Ethan, "or... I'll... something. Yeah, I'll get the Pokemart delivery guy to deliver you fifty bloom mails with suggestive Onix phrases in each one. In public. And read them all out loud to you."

"Whatever," growled Silver. "Let's just get started already."

"Okay! Yeah! Let's do it! Yeahhh!"

Silver picked up one of the game cases, this one a shiny silver box with a cartoon Lugia on the front. "I suppose it makes sense if I play this SoulSilver one and you take the other game."

"Yup yup, that does make sense. S'got your name on it." Ethan opened the other case, took out the cartridge and looked around for his DS.

Silver, being slightly more organised, had already started the game.

"Slow down," moaned Ethan, watching him watching the video introduction. "Oooh look, that's where my pony princess game went! I forgot it was still inside the DS..."

"That's disgusting," said Silver. He was staring at the (pink and glittery) cartridge in Ethan's hand with pure, undiluted horror.

"You're just jealous of my pony brushing skills," said Ethan airily. "Anyway, don't start yet! I still gotta load this."

"You can't even brush your own Ninetales."

The game loaded. Ethan stared at the "GAME FREAK" logo in fascination.

"Just press A!"

"But I wanna watch the video!"

Silver leant over and pressed A for him. "There. Start a new game, and hurry up."

ooo

Half an hour later, Feraligatr and Meganium wandered into the living room to check if their humans had met game-Feraligatr and game-Meganium yet.

"No! You can't call me 'Cockhed'! Veto! Veto!" Ethan shouted, trying to wrestle Silver's DS away from him.

"Why not? It goes really well with this character design, I think."

"You can't even spell!"

"Blame the character limit," said Silver. He pulled the DS away from Ethan, as well as their beer cans (which were getting dangerously close to being knocked over by Ethan). "How about just 'Cock' then?"

"Silverrrr! Stop being mean to me! Feraligatr, help me!"

Feraligatr and Meganium looked at each other. "Call us back when you've met Professor Elm," said Feraligatr in Feraligatr-language. Meganium beamed at all of them.

And then they left.

"Feraligatr!" howled Ethan. "Come back and tell me I'm not a cockhead!"

"Why am I even playing as you anyway?" wondered Silver.

"Wha...? Because I'm awesome, whaddaya mean?"

"No, I'm going to play as Lyra."

"What? No! You can't do that! I bought you a game _starring me_ and you repay me by _not being me_?!"

"You're already playing as you," said Silver. "You see, clearly we need to get the full experience of these games, so I'm playing as the other character."

Ethan gaped. "But... Lyra's not even the Champion! I don't even know why she's in the game!"

"Lyra has Ho-oh, what do you have?"

"Like, fourteen trophies and Champion titles? C'mon man, just be Cockhed!"

"Too late. You vetoed that, remember?" said Silver, selecting the picture of Lyra in response to Oak's question. He adjusted his glasses, critically inspecting Lyra's outfit and hairstyle.

"But you can't be Lyra, that just doesn't work! Dude, you're not even a girl. Look at Oak, you're just confusing him!"

"Yes, that might be because _I'm not literally the game character_."

"Hey man, I'm even willing to take back the Cockhed veto! Just be me! Come on!"

"But Lyra looks better than you."

"Fine! Rude!" said Ethan. He threw up his hands in mock exasperation. "Be like that. Ungrateful bastard." He picked his own DS back up and took out the stylus, ready to enter his own character's name.

"What are you calling yourself?" Silver asked, looking down at Ethan's screen. He was trying to think of a good name for Lyra without actually calling himself Lyra, because that would be a bit too strange.

"Big dick."

"Huh?"

"My name's big dick."

"As in, your name is literally 'Big Dick?"

"Actually it's 'BIGDICK' because I can't work out how to get small letters, and because I can't fit in a space," explained Ethan sadly.

"I'm going to veto that one," said Silver, torn between laughing at him and hitting him. He took a mouthful of beer instead.

"It's a very descriptive name! It really suits me. I mean, him. All the bitches have Mr BIGDICK on their Pokegear speed-dial! All the gay dudes, too."

Silver thought briefly about saying, "No, it doesn't suit you, and I know that for a fact," before deciding that that was too mean, even for him.

"Cockhed suits you more," he said out loud.

"Nah, no-one has Mr Cockhead on their speed-dial. That would be _stupid_."

"Do you know anyone who has BIGDICK on their speed dial?"

"Yeah, I do actually!" said Ethan proudly. "Me!"

Silver narrowed his eyes. "Ethan..."

"Hey, don't look at me like that! It's not like that! I just... registered you as BIGDICK..."

"What?!"

"Sheesh, it's a compliment! I mean, it's a compliment _now_! And... you were kinda a big dick back when I registered you..."

Silver was at a loss for words.

"... so actually maybe I should just call you that once I get to name you in the game, instead of me?" said Ethan thoughtfully.

"...huh?"

"Yeah, apparently you can name game-you as well," he told Silver. "That's what Ninetales said, at least. Anyway, why do you wanna veto Mr BIGDICK? He's awesome!"

"First thing, change my name on your Pokegear! You know everyone can see everything on that massive screen!" Silver said, his mind breaking under the implications of him broadcasting his crotch measurements to everyone who'd ever seen Ethan's Pokegear.

"Exactly!"

"No!"

"Exactly!"

"What? No!"

"Eeexactly!"

Silver gave up. He made a mental note to ask Gengar to steal or sabotage Ethan's Pokegear when he had the chance. "Humph. Look, just don't call yourself BIGDICK in the game, alright? I thought you wanted to battle online. Kids are going to be there."

"I'll just be impressing their impressionable young minds," said Ethan, looking very proud of himself.

"Their parents will arrest you."

"C'mon, wouldn't you be impressed if I introduced myself to you as Professor BIGDICK?"

"You're not a professor, and, uh, you're past the stage of impressing me with your... size."

"Stop being mean to me..." grumbled Ethan. He erased the name on his DS screen. "Okay, I'm gonna be... DR DUDE."

Silver snorted. He decided not to tell Ethan how to use lowercase letters; it was much more fun watching him try to figure it out himself. "Doctor... dude?"

"He's a doctor of dudes."

"Right."

"Also, he's a real dude. And a doctor."

"Good," said Silver distractedly. "I'll call Lyra Lyra, I suppose."

"Nooo! That's too boring! At least call her BIGDICK!"

"That makes even less sense than calling you that!"

"Or you."

"Well, yes," said Silver, feeling a bit awkward. "But not Lyra."

"How about just BIG D then?"

"That still means the same thing..."

"But it's more kid-friendly though!"

"Urgh..."

"How about SAUSAGE? Or BUTTS? Or BIGONIX? Or IM MALE? Or BOOBS? Or BOSOM? Or-"

"Ferali_gatr_!" shouted Feraligatr, stomping into the room. "Ferali! Gatr!"

"Okay, okay!" shouted Ethan back. "We're gonna start soon! Just tell Silver to name Lyra BIG D, okay?"

"Ligatr, gateeerr!" Feraligatr thrust a threatening fist in front of Silver's face.

"Hmph," snorted Silver. He typed in 'Sausage'. "Happy now?"

"Gatr," rumbled Feraligatr. He picked up a clawful of pretzels and sat down to watch the games.

ooo

It was a warm sunny day, and the start of a new adventure. Confounded by Professor Oak's confusion over the gender of a teenager who was literally standing right in front of him, the universe had recently split into two parallel baby universes.

In one of them, a boy named DR DUDE was walking around his room bumping into walls, desk and more walls, shouting something about not understanding the controls and where the hell were the stairs.

In the other, a girl named Sausage was talking to her mother in the kitchen. She was about to start her Pokemon journey, and just needed to get her starter and say goodbye to her hometown. It was an exciting day, and she was eager to meet the handsome, amazing, strong, wonderful, legend of a trainer named Silver that she'd heard so much about.

("And you call me egoistic, Silver?" said Ethan.)

Their story had finally begun.

ooo

_a/n: I'm going to be very busy for the next few months, so after the next chapter (which I've already written) I'm not sure when I can update! Oh well. As for actual author's notes related to the story:_

_1. I'm not sure whether to do an established relationship between Gold and Silver, as I've been doing, or to have a relationship at all, because the whole point of this fic is them playing HeartGold/SoulSilver in universe, not them being a couple. But. Um. How can anyone not like Gold/Silver, ho ho ho.  
2. My first Pokemon trainer was called Hooker. I think Silver got off lightly, considering. I also spent far too long trying to construct a good Mail for Ethan in that first flashback :S.  
3. This was originally intended to be a oneshot, but then I got to 3000 words and they'd only just named their characters, so... this is going to be epic... if I finish this...  
_


	2. Cherrygrove City

**a/n at bottom  
**

**Chapter Two  
**_In which Pokemon are acquired and named, a red-haired passerby boy is met, and Mr Pokemon's secret is revealed.  
_

ooo

"Meganium! Mega! Mega!" squealed Meganium, pointing excitedly at the screen with an antenna.

"Yes, that's you," said Silver. He brushed her out of the way.

She barged back in the way. "Megaa!"

"Yes, of course I'm going to choose you, just calm down! God, you're worse than Ethan."

"Who what?" said Ethan. "Man, this is so awesome. I'm playing as _myself_ and I'm so awesome." Feraligatr looked at his screen; DR DUDE still hadn't managed to find the stairs and escape his room.

"Do you know anyone who nicknames their Pokemon?" said Silver, staring at his DS in confusion. The message on the screen read, 'Give a nickname to the CHIKORITA you received?'

"Ga..." said Meganium, also looking confused.

"Uh..." Ethan said. "No? Who does that?"

"Raligatr," said Feraligatr, shrugging. Apparently it was just another of those game oddities.

"I suppose I'll just do the sensible thing and nickname her Meganium," Silver said. He frowned. No-one in real life nicknamed their Pokemon, so why did people do that in these games?

"Mega!" agreed Meganium.

"Noo!" said Ethan, shoving his stylus away from the 'No' option. "You have to give it a nickname, because it's a game and it's fun! Sausage is a fun girl, she's totally give her Pokemon nicknames."

"She is?"

"I know Sausage very well," said Ethan, nodding. "Uh huh. How about... HOTDOG? BRATWURST? BURGER?"

"Nium..." said Meganium, a little offended. What was he trying to insinuate?

"That's not funny, that's just stupid." Silver scowled. "And you can write names in lower case letters, so stop shouting."

"How about HARD ONIX?"

"Niii!" said Meganium, headbutting him.

"Sausage isn't an idiot," said Silver. "She'd give her Pokemon nice names that are easy to remember. No dick jokes."

Meganium nodded vigorously.

"BOOBS?"

"No."

"BUTTOCKS?"

"Shut up."

"Meg." Meganium slapped Ethan with her antennae.

"TOFU? QUORN?"

"What?"

"Because she's a leafy vegetarian sausage," explained Ethan. "It's funny! Miss Sausage loves it."

"Ganium..." said Meganium, giving him a puzzled look. She wasn't sure what to make of this. Should she be insulted?

"Don't worry, this is strictly game-only," Silver told her. "Fine, she'll be called Tofu."

"Yeahh!" said Ethan, high-fiving Feraligatr. "Okay, I still need to get my Pokemon. Where do I go?"

"Gatr gatr." Feraligatr pointed at the stairs on the DS screen.

"Huh?"

"Gatr! Ga... grr...gragrhhhh."

Ethan still couldn't understand what Feraligatr was trying to tell him.

"Ferraarrghh!" growled Feraligatr, taking the DS away from him. He poked at the direction buttons with a claw.

"Cool, thanks dude!" said Ethan, watching DR DUDE talk to his virtual mother. "Oh wow... it's a bit creepy that they programmed in my mum..."

"Lyra's not your sister, is she?" said Silver. He was leaning in to watch Feraligatr play as well. "They used the same house and character for Sausage's mum."

"I don't _think_ she's my sister," Ethan said, looking profoundly creeped out.

"I suppose they were just lazy, then."

"Rali," said Feraligatr contentedly. He handed the DS back to Ethan. DR DUDE was now standing in a Pokemon lab, chatting to a game-version of Professor Elm.

"Blah blah Mr Pokemon blah blah," read Ethan. "C'mon, where's my awesome Totodile at?"

"Have you ever played one of these games before?"

"... no..."

"Just keep pressing A. Hurry up, I want to get out of this town." Silver directed Sausage out of the lab, where she was promptly met by a familiar-looking baseball-capped boy. "Oh for the love of Entei, why are _you_ in my game? I picked Lyra especially so this wouldn't happen."

"OH YEAH, FUCK YEAH," said Ethan, leaning over and watching his virtual self prance around Sausage and Tofu with a Marill.

"Urgh, just go away," muttered Silver at the screen.

Ethan poked him. "Why _wouldn't_ you want me in your game? I'm already so offended that you chose to be Lyra and not me, you ungrateful dick."

"Just pick your starter and shut up!"

"Wait a moment... I don't even _have_ a Marill..."

"No-one cares."

"Cool, got my Totodile!" said Ethan, high-fiving Feraligatr again. "What do you wanna be called?"

"Frrgatr?" said Feraligatr with a slightly confused shrug.

"Okay, BIGBOY it is."

"Gatr!" Feraligatr gave a toothy crocodile grin. Another high-five ensued.

"Are you ready yet?" grumbled Silver. "I finally got your alter-ego and your Marill out of my game, and I want to start this game properly."

"Mega mem?" Meganium pointed at a red-haired character on the game screen. The sprite was next to the professor's lab, in a little hidden corner.

"Aha!" said Ethan, pointing at it as well. "It's you! Or someone who looks at lot like you."

"My hair is significantly better than that," Silver said, glaring at it.

"Go up and talk to you?"

"Play your own damn game," said Silver. He was getting rather impatient. Ethan had insisted that they go through the whole game together, challenging gyms and all that at the same time, but he'd also insisted on a marathon play-through without any breaks or sleep. Either way, it was going to be a long hard few days. He walked Sausage (at an infuriatingly slow walking pace) up to his in-game lookalike and pressed A to talk.

"Ni ni ni," Meganium giggled as game-Silver shoved Sausage out of the way. Silver sniggered with her.

"Rude!" said Ethan, sneaking a sideways peep. "Domestic abuse! Oh hey, here's Lyra and her Marill. Kinda weird that they just replaced Lyra with me in your game... like, we're not _actually_ the same person, are we?"

"Are you?"

"Am I?"

"Well, are you?"

"Am I...? Fucking Entei, my whole life's been a lie! I'm just a failed clone of my best friend!"

"Sucks to be you," said Silver. "Hey hey, go up and talk to me by the lab. I want to see me shove you over."

"Okay," Ethan said, walking DR DUDE over to game-Silver. "Fucking hell, why am I so slow? This is taking foooreeeverrr..."

"You have to wait until you get the running shoes or a bike," Silver told him. "Apparently you're physically unable to jog until you wear the right shoes."

"Yeah, I also can't walk diagonally," said Gold. "DR DUDE, I'm disappointed in you."

The group watched as game-Silver shoved DR DUDE out of the way.

"That was great," Silver sniggered. "Do it again!"

The same thing happened.

"Gatr!"

The same thing happened again.

"Gatr!"

"No!" said Ethan. "DR DUDE's had enough shoving for one day."

"Ethan, you can never have enough shoving for one day."

Meganium and Feraligatr nodded, Meganium beaming happily. (Feraligatr didn't beam. He just grinned terrifyingly.)

"You guys are horrible," said Ethan sadly.

ooo

"Sweet Entei, my first Pokemon battle!" wooped Ethan. "This is gonna be so cool!"

"It's a Pidgey," said Silver. "Pidgey battles are not cool."

"Every battle is awesome, so shut up. Okay, so how do I battle? Do I give commands and shit?"

"Yes, you command one move each turn. See, look at the bottom screen. Just press whichever move you want your Totodile to do."

"He's called BIGBOY."

"No, I'm not calling anyone that."

"But-"

"_Especially_ not you, Ethan."

"Even-"

"Even during sex."

"Ferali," said Feraligatr, pointing at the part of the screen that said 'Scratch'.

Ethan pressed it. "Woo!"

"Gatr!"

The Pidgey sprayed some sand into BIGBOY's eyes. And so the round was over.

"Do I... just do the same thing this next round then?" asked Ethan, confused. "Where's the strategy? Movement? Leading tactics? How do I get BIGBOY to counter or dodge?"

"... You don't."

"Huh? But what's the point in that? All I get to do is select one move each time and Pidgey gets to have exactly one move right after me?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Man," said Ethan, closing his DS and looking at it with a bemused expression. "I thought these games were about battling!"

"This is virtual battling. It's not the same as real life battling! You just have to get used to it."

"Man," said Ethan again. Meganium gave him a comforting neck-wrap.

"Look, just finish knocking out that Pidgey and hurry up, because we need to get to Mr Pokemon's house. I'm already at Cherrygrove!"

"Okay, okay, dude, calm down." He opened the DS and continued ordering BIGBOY to scratch the Pidgey. "Why didn't I train BIGBOY with some water moves or anything decent before rustling up Pidgeys to practise on?"

"Because you're a moron."

"God, rude!"

A few minutes of silence passed, in which Ethan slowly made his way to the other end of Route 29, Silver watched him, and Feraligatr munched on pretzels.

"Go BIGBOY! My little angelcake just learnt Water Gun. I'm so proud," Ethan sniffled.

"Fuck off!" exclaimed Silver, breaking the peaceful (and somewhat sniffle-filled) atmosphere. He'd just opened his DS again and had let Sausage take her first step into Cherrygrove City.

"I won't!"

"Shut up, you. No, I don't want a tour of Cherrygrove, you moron! I know what a Pokemon Centre is! Just... go away... fuck..." Meganium patted him on the back with a stubby leg.

"Hey, this dude's pretty helpful!" Ethan said, pointing at the 'helpful' Guide Gent showing DR DUDE around Cherrygrove.

"Oh, you've finally reached Cherrygrove then. Good."

"Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that it takes me longer to walk there in real life."

"Ethan, I'm not sure if you've got it yet, but these games aren't _literally real life_."

"... nope, I haven't got it yet. But I think BIGBOY might be dying... he won't stop beeping at me when I run into Pidgeys." Feraligatr looked a bit worried at that.

"Go use the Pokecentre then!"

"Nah, we're still on the Awesome Tour Of Awesome Cherrygrove."

"I. Hate. Tutorials," said Silver between gritted teeth. "Just get this fucking Guide fucker to stop talking to me!"

"There there," said Ethan, adding his own hand to Meganium's efforts at reassuring back patting. "It'll be over soon. Drink your beer. It'll relax you."

A few tense moments followed. Finally, Silver breathed out. "It's over. That moron's gone away and left me his old sweaty running shoes!"

"Old sweaty running shoes are the best!" said Ethan, only half-sarcastically.

ooo

"Do you actually know someone called Mr Pokemon? Who is seriously called _Mr Pokemon_?"

"He likes Pokemon," Ethan informed Silver.

"I see. That explains everything."

"He _really_ likes Pokemon."

"Good for him."

"He _really, really_ likes Pokemon."

"... seriously?"

"Kris told me she caught him wanking off to pictures of red Gyradoses this one time."

Silver didn't know what to say to that.

ooo

"My Togekiss!" Ethan shouted happily upon receiving the mysterious egg from Mr Pokemon.

"You're not supposed to spoil the surprise," grumbled Silver.

"I gave the egg to Elm and then he went off and studied it and then while I was staying in Violet he gave it back to me and then I carried it around for a bit and he hatched into Togepi! And then he evolved 'cos he loved me so much and then..." Ethan happily droned.

Silver was halfway to punching him before remembering that domestic abuse was not okay. He looked at Feraligatr instead.

Feraligatr punched Ethan.

"Ow! Sheesh, I was just telling you guys about my life and Togekiss because I thought you'd be _interested_ but apparently you just don't care about me. Huh."

"That sounds about right," said Silver, and he was rewarded by Feraligatr punching him (lightly) as well.

"Thanks, big boy. Oh... we have to walk all the way back to New Bark now?"

"That's what Mr Pokemon says, yes."

"_All the way_? That's so... far..."

Silver stopped and looked at him. "But... you ... how did you manage to make it in real life!? I can't believe you actually managed to walk round the whole of Kanto and Johto, and you're so lazy you can't even spend five minutes pressing buttons to get a game character to walk."

"What can I say?" shrugged Ethan. "I'm just that awesome!"

Silver glared at him. "You're a lazy idiot."

"I'm a lovable sexy lazy idiot! Also I cycled most of the way."

"Cycling is still tiring…"

"Fer gatrr!" growled Feraligatr, taking the DS from Ethan and replacing it with a can of beer and some popcorn. He walked DR DUDE back down south to Cherrygrove City. He'd had enough of his trainer messing around, damnit! He wanted to get BIGBOY to evolve into a mighty and powerful Feraligatr sometime this decade!

ooo

"Aha!" exclaimed Ethan once Feraligatr had handed back his DS. He carefully balanced it on the beer can in his hand. "It's you!"

"It's me," Silver confirmed, watching Sausage and his in-game self have a deep and meaningful conversation on his own DS. It consisted of deeply meaningful insults and abuse.

"It's you!"

"Ethan," said Silver slowly, "how much personal information did you give Game Freak?"

"Huh?"

"Don't you think it's a bit… strange that everyone who plays these games are going to know exactly when and where we met, and exactly what conversations we had, and exactly what moves my team knows, and-"

"Nah," said Ethan dismissively. "I just gave them a quick outline, I didn't tell them anything really private or weird."

Silver was not particularly reassured by this. Ethan's idea of 'private or weird' was somewhat different from most people's. "Ethan."

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember that time when you emailed Kris with a list of links to the… videos… we were watching the day before?"

"… yeah? Maybe? Uh, actually… no?"

"And then she went on Johto News that afternoon for a live-broadcasted interview?"

"What's your point?"

"And then she made a _really hilarious_ off-hand statement about how 'Ethan and his boyfriend watch loads of really weird stuff, like one of the links he sent me was full of-' "

"Oh yeah!" said Ethan, remembering. "That _was_ really hilarious!"

"No, it wasn't!" Silver exploded, spilling beer over Meganium and causing Feraligatr to topple over into a bowl of pretzels. "It was not hilarious! It was the complete fucking opposite of hilarious, you incredible fucking _moron_! How do you still not get it?!"

"Dude, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't give Game Freak the porn list, okay?"

"It doesn't make me feel any better! That was just an example! Stop taking everything so literally!"

"Okay," said Ethan, munching on a handful of popcorn. He carefully tried to find a good middle ground between begging Silver desperately and pathetically to feel better, and insisting that that incident was, in fact, really hilarious. (Which it was.) "Uh… I already apologised for the Kris on TV thing, so I thought you'd moved past that by now. And that's why I didn't say anything like that to Game Freak! Or the interviewer last week! Or the one before that! I still think it's pretty funny, though."

Silver glared at him. Technically he _had_ accepted the apologies, both from Ethan and Kris, so he wasn't meant to still be sulking about this. But. Still. "Humph, just shut up."

There was a silence. Ethan wasn't sure if it was safe to open up his DS and continue playing, or whether the happy cheerful music would just plunge Silver further into enraged fury.

"Me… ganium mega?" asked Meganium curiously.

"No!" shouted Ethan and Silver at her at the same time. Silver looked mildly surprised, and then relieved, that Ethan was taking his side.

"You're too young for that!" Ethan continued sternly. "And, uh, also because it's very important to respect Silver's privacy and it's very rude to go on national television and gossip about his sex life," he continued further in response to Silver's glaring.

ooo

"Oh yeah, I was about to battle you," Ethan said, opening up his DS. "I mean, DR DUDE was."

DR DUDE sent out BIGBOY. The redheaded passerby boy sent out a Chikorita.

"They gave me a Cyndaquil in my game," said Silver, frowning at his DS.

"Well, you took Tofu already so you can't take her again, and it'll be pretty stupid for you to fight you with a clone Tofu."

"That sentence didn't make any sense, but I suppose you're right. God, this is so embarrassing battling my cartoon self."

"Yeah, your hair is pretty embarrassing."

Silver shoved him. "That's not what it looks like in real life, and you know that! Stupid unrealistic cartoons…"

"Also, wow, you're such a huge dick. Were you actually like that the first time I met you?"

Meganium nodded cheerfully.

"I don't speak like that," said Silver in disgust. He'd finished the battle, Tofu tackling the enemy Cyndaquil to surrender, and was now reading the Passerby Boy's closing speech.

"Yes you do."

"This is… urgh, horrible. How do you actually _like_ seeing yourself in this game?!"

Ethan and Feraligatr posed together, a synchronised pose that would have made Team Rocket proud. "Because we're awesome!"

"… what the… I can't believe you two rehearsed that."

"Megaaa," said Meganium, who was also enjoying seeing herself immortalised in game form.

"Freaks."

"You're just jea- no goddamnit!" yelped Ethan. "Nooo! BIGBOY! Come back to me! Don't go into the light!" Feraligatr grabbed his jaw in anxiety as well. The sight of the huge crocodile monster looking so concerned about a tiny Totodile on a DS was quite amusing.

"How did you manage to lose?" said Silver incredulously, after snorting at Ethan and Feraligatr's reactions. "That was the very first and easiest trainer battle in the whole game."

"The first fucked-up bizarre virtual game trainer battle I've ever done, so yeah! This is so… gah! No-one battles like that in real life, goddamnit!"

"Clearly," said Silver smugly, "I'm such a strong battler that even my fake game self can beat you with a weak baby Chikorita."

"Nium!" protested Meganium.

"Shut up, I beat you in this battle in real life!" said Ethan.

"What? No, I beat you, you idiot," Silver scowled.

"Oh… yeah."

"You'd better not forget it, wimp."

"BIGBOY!" moaned Ethan. "Please don't leave me…"

"… I'm not drunk enough for this."

ooo

"When do I get to name you?"

"You don't. My name's Silver."

"Aren't you Italian, Silvano?"

Silver glared. "You're not naming me BIGDICK."

"You're such a killjoy," Ethan whined. "I think it's a great name! It's such a great name that I was gonna name myself that until you vetoed it, so I dunno why you're so hung up about it."

Silver looked at him for a moment, considering him. "… I don't know why I bother trying to reason with you."

ooo

_a/n: WELL I WAS PLANNING ON MAKING THIS AN EPIC FIC but then holidays ended and work started and love lives continued and not-being-alone-at-home-all-the-day happened, and... that's basically as much as I've written so far, and probably as much as I'll write in the next, uh, year. Or so. I dunno. Whenever I get round to it!_

_Also, this is fun, but I think I prefer the usual "how they got together and Silver being a dick with Issues"-type of thing that my other couple of Huntershipping fics were on. I mean, established relationships are cute and it's nice to see them being relaxed and cheerful and stuff, but it's not really as interesting or as amusing to write or think about. I'm sure you know what I mean...?  
_


	3. Violet City

_Anna Yuki: Ahaha, you made me laugh with that little conversation! Sadly the Random Person will have to be satisfied with a Sausage instead, dude.  
_

_ooo_

**Chapter Three  
**_In which a red-haired passerby boy is named, Violet City reached, Sprout Tower climbed, and a Gastly and Onix obtained  
_

ooo

Predictably enough, Ethan attempted to name his Passerby Boy 'BIGDICK'. Even more predictably enough, Silver ended up shoving him to the ground and wrestling him down while yelling obscenities, trying to stop this christening.

"Mega…" said Meganium, watching them.

"Gatr," agreed Feraligatr. Wrestle-fights between Ethan and Silver could go on for a while, and were usually not wrestle-fights anymore by the time they ended. Meganium was far too young to be seeing such things, he decided (ignoring the fact that he and Meganium were almost exactly the same age).

"Niu megani?"

Feraligatr nodded, grabbed a bowl of pretzels and a can of beer, and turned to walk out of the room with her.

"Grnnm-no alcohol fo-mmf Pokemon!" shouted Ethan through Silver's hands.

"Grrr," growled Feraligatr. He grumpily put the beer back and paused to consider his options. Then he took a second bowl of pretzels. "Ferali!" he waved, and followed Meganium out.

ooo

"Gen gen gen," said Gengar, bouncing into the room rather like a large purple beachball.

"Hey Gengar, you think ASSFACE is a great name, don't you?" said Ethan, showing the Pokemon his DS screen.

Gengar snickered and grinned widely. Then he waddled over to see Silver's game.

"I am not an assface," muttered Silver, glaring at both of them.

"Gengar?"

"I called myself Silver," Silver informed him haughtily. "Understandably."

"Actually he's called Silvera because it's so girly," said Ethan, sniggering.

"Only because you grabbed me and made my stylus slip on that last letter!"

"Yeah, but I didn't force you to keep it!"

"Yes you did! You grabbed my DS and pressed A!"

"… oh yeah." Ethan grinned and shrugged.

"Gen gengar," said Gengar approvingly. He sat down on the couch above Ethan, and got himself comfortable.

"I guess you're planning on staying to watch," said Silver. "Do you really have to? Shouldn't you be training?"

"Gar!"

"C'mon, Silver, the more the merrier," said Ethan, patting Gengar. Or, at least, he _tried_ to pat Gengar. His hand went straight through. Gengar giggled.

"Hmph. There're already enough assface clowns in here…"

"Shut up, Silvera."

ooo

"Oh my god," said Ethan, "where the fuck is this Violet place?!"

"Where the hell are you?" said Silver, looking at his game. (Sausage and Tofu were already in the depths of Violet City, waiting impatiently for Ethan to catch up.) "How is it even possible to get lost on the first route, assface?"

"Hey c'mon, it's hard!"

"It's literally a straight path from Cherrygrove. You live in New Bark! You must know the route from your own house!"

"Bet my Pokemon are stronger than yours now, though. 'Cos I'm such an amazing trainer."

Gengar inspected both DS screens. Then he pointed and laughed at Silver.

"That's only because you've spent so much wasted time going in circles fighting Pidgeys."

"Alright, alright, I'm here now. This is awesome! Is that the gym? Awesome! I'm gonna challenge it!"

Sadly, his dreams of gym-badge-winning were cut short once he realised that the so-called gym was actually… not a gym.

"This is a school!" proclaimed Ethan (because Ethan had to proclaim everything, up to and including proclamations of, "These are my socks!"). "Man, this sucks. Why am I at school?"

"Because you're an idiot, idiot." Gengar bounced in (spooky) agreement.

"That," said Ethan, concentrating on getting the hell out of this place, "was a rhetorical question. Jerk."

"Where are you? We need to go to the Sprout Tower."

"What's the Sprout Tower?"

"You know what the Sprout Tower is!"

"Where's you then?"

"The Sprout Tower."

Gengar hopped down and pointed helpfully at the DS arrow buttons, steering DR DUDE around the school building. Then he pressed A and giggled.

"No, Gengar, I want to get out! Not talk to little kids about school break… oh man, what am I saying. I love talking to little kids about school break!"

"Normally, I would wholeheartedly approve of you making Ethan's life a living hell," said Silver, snatching Gengar away (who, having been taken by surprise, did not have time to turn on his intangibility), "but this time, I really want him to get a move on. Stop fucking with him."

"Hey, princess," said Ethan, passing Silver his DS. "Look at this!"

"What?" Silver peered at the screen.

"Put your glasses back on! And look! These two kids are playing on their DSes _what's with that_."

Silver put his glasses back on. (Gengar pointed and laughed at him.) "Oh. Huh."

"Uh… 'I traded my best Pokemon to the guy beside me,' " read Ethan. "They're… playing a Pokemon game on their DSes inside my Pokemon game?"

Silver snorted. "What they should've done is program that kid to say, 'These guys are playing Pokemon games inside my Pokemon game!' "

"Oh my god," said Ethan, clutching his head. "_You're a genius._"

"And then the kid next to him can say, 'I wonder if the guys in your game are watching some guys in their game playing Pokemon too?' "

"Oh my god," said Ethan again. "But then would those guys in the game that those others guys are playing be a virtual representation of the first guys in my game? Or would they be of themselves, or something completely new? Could you say that these kids are watching themselves in game form watching themselves watching themselves? Watching themselves? Perhaps even… watching themselves?!"

"What?"

"Nah, I guess that would be silly."

"Shut up, Ethan."

Ethan shut up. He reached up to take his DS back, but Gengar intercepted him.

"Gegege!" he said (or rather, giggled maniacally) as he fiddled with the console and pranced around the room.

"Hey!" shouted Ethan. "Silver, he took my DS! Make him give it back!"

"I noticed," said Silver.

"Make him give it back! Silver! Make him! … I will start begging you if you want. _Is that what you want?!"_

"Hmm. I take back what I said about not fucking with Ethan," Silver said to Gengar. He looked back at Ethan. "You know what, actually, I think it _is_ what I want."

Ethan looked at Gengar, who waved and grinned even wider.

"Silverrr," he whined. "You're the beeeeest and you're soooo awesome and I loooove you and I will toootally buy you more Bloom Mails and pleasure your HAAARD ONIX and-"

"Ethan!" interrupted Silver, glancing awkwardly at Gengar (who was now grinning _even_ wider, due to Silver's discomfort – Ethan hadn't thought that was possible). "That's not begging!"

"Ooooh, are you getting uncomfortable?" said Ethan, shifting closer to Silver's couch. "You knooow, if you just told Gengar to give my game back, I _might_ stop embarrassing you in front of your Pokemon…"

Silver shoved Ethan's face away from his neck, his hand away from his chest, and his other hand away from his trousers. Then he slapped him, for good measure.

"Ow! Domestic violence! We agreed on a no-slapping rule last weeeeek!"

"That wasn't even a proper slap, you pussy," said Silver, scowling. "And stop talking like that, you sound like an idiot!"

"You're blushing!" said Ethan triumphantly. "That means you're… uh… I forgot what my point was?"

"Gengar, stop that and let him have his DS," said Silver. Gengar pirouetted, just because he could. Then he bounced over to Ethan and brandished the DS proudly at him.

Ethan looked at it in confusion. Well, to be more accurate, in even more confusion than usual. "Where the fuck am I?"

Silver gave Ethan's screen a glance. "… huh, it looks like you're back in New Bark Town."

Gengar snickered.

ooo

"Sprout Tower ahoy!" shouted Ethan, plunging DR DUDE and BIGBOY into Violet City. Again.

"Finally," muttered Silver. He groggily sat up and picked up his own DS. "Let's just get on with this. Are you actually at the tower yet?"

"So… what's the Sprout Tower?"

"I think it's short for Bellsprout," replied Silver, who was not too sure either.

"Not the green vegetable sprouts?"

"Definitely not."

"Hey, d'you think we should get some more Pokemon? It feels a bit funny just having BIGBOY, even if he is awesome by himself."

"I haven't seen anyone I want," said Silver, who had been thinking about it. It would be nice to build up his own real-life team, although he wasn't sure how easy that would be in game form. For one thing, he doubted the option 'heartlessly steal Sneasel from innocent Cianwood villager' would be available in-game. "They're all too wea- I mean, I can't see myself training them."

"Well," said Ethan, "lucky I mentioned it, because guess what?"

"… what?"

"I'm not at the Sprout Tower!"

Silver stared at him. Ethan basked in the glory.

"I'm actually in this dude's house."

"Why… why are you in someone's house?" Silver debated slapping Ethan again. He fought against the urge.

"Uh, just… because I totally planned it and I totally did not in any way think that this was the Sprout Tower. Nuh uh. But the point is, guess what?"

Silver didn't reply, being too caught up in his aura of angry impatience. So Ethan poked him. Silver flicked a peanut in his face.

"The point is that this dude wants to trade my Bellsprout for an Onix! Oh my god, I love Onixes. They are just so phallic." He ate the peanut.

"You don't have a Bellsprout, dumbass," said Silver, immediately pointing out the flaw in this plan and choosing to ignore the rest of Ethan's speech.

"I will," said Ethan, "once I've cleaned out this Bellsprout Tower. Booyeah!"

ooo

The second flaw in Ethan's grand plan was that there were, in fact, no Bellsprout in the Sprout Tower. There were, however, many Sages to battle who all used… Bellsprouts. Ethan was growing steadily more frustrated.

But there were Gastlys.

"How come you get to build your team and I don't," whined Ethan for the tenth time. "That's not faaaair."

"Ethan, stop using your whining voice," said Silver distractedly. He was still trying to think of a good name for this Gastly. He would have just left it as a nice default non-nicknamed Gastly, but for some reason Gengar wouldn't let him.

"Fiiiiine," said Ethan, still whining. "You should call him… PENIS!"

"Penises are your answer to everything," grumbled Silver. "And no."

Gengar gave Ethan a shrug. He would have quite liked to be called PENIS.

"It's true," said Ethan. "What about… ILOVETHAN? See, it's so clever, because it's only nine letters so it fits into the name thingy, and it's like 'I love Ethan' but the E's are mashed into one E, and it's-"

"How long did it take you to think of that? How long were you waiting to use it?"

"Not long at all," Ethan lied. "So you should use it! Duh."

Silver thought about it. "Gengar, what do you want to be called?"

Gengar shrugged. He floated over and took the DS anyway, presumably figuring that he might as well try.

Suspense filled the room. Ethan watched with bated breath. Silver watched with equally-bated-but-he-wouldn't-admit-to-being-so-in vested-so-he-insisted-on-his-breath-not-being-bate d-at-all breath.

A few taps of the stylus later, and Gengar was done. He let the DS fall through himself onto Silver's lap.

"He's called himself-"

"TELL ME PLEASE TELL ME I CAN'T WAIT-"

"- kumquat."

"Come again?"

"Just, kumquat. That's it."

"But there aren't even any capital letters at all!" exclaimed Ethan, looking at the word. "How is that even possible?"

ooo

"I want a Bellsprout," moaned Ethan. "These dudes all have Bellsprouts, and _I don't_. What's with that, huh?"

"We're almost at the top of the tower, so shut up and get on with it."

"Bellsprout…" Ethan tried ordering DR DUDE to throw a Pokeball at the Bellsprout BIGBOY was fighting. It didn't work. Apparently stealing other people's Pokemon was a bad thing.

"Stealing other people's Pokemon is a bad thing," clarified Silver, smirking at him.

"Gengar!" said Gengar happily, watching Silver order kumquat to lick an enemy Bellsprout to death.

"At least some people are happy," said Ethan, sighing. He opened another can of beer. "At least _some people_ have more than one Pokemon. At least _some people_ can steal Pokemon and get away with it. At leas- oh fuck yes! It's ASSFACE!"

Silver shoved him off the couch. He couldn't deny, however, that it was indeed his in-game self. Silvera appeared to be happily chatting to the final boss of this Sprout Tower.

"Oof, Silvera, you're such an ASSFACE. C'mon, let me back onto the sofa!"

"Shut up, cockhead."

"That's not my name! I vetoed it, remember?"

"And my name's not ASSFACE! Or Silvera! So shut the hell up!"

"I'll start begging you again!" threatened Ethan. "I'm going to beg you sooo inappropriately that Gengar won't be able to sleep at night – uh, day – without being mentally scarred by the image of me molesting you!"

(Gengar looked unnaturally gleeful at this. It was lucky, Silver thought, that Gengar and Ethan didn't really along – if they combined their irritating pranking powers, they would be unbearable. Not that either of them alone was _not_ unbearable. But. Still.)

He threw a cushion at Ethan's face. Then he sat back and clicked through the short conversation between Sausage and Silvera. It was not a very interesting conversation. "… I do not talk like that," he muttered. "Humph."

"Aww, who's a little grumpy meanyhead?" said Ethan. "ASSFACE is so cute when he's all mean and grumpy and talking about weak Pokemon."

"I don't even remember having this conversation with Sausage. I mean, you. Did we actually run into each other in the Sprout Tower?"

"In real life?"

"Yes."

"I'm pretty sure we did," said Ethan. "Because I remember you escaped on an escape rope, and I was like _how do those escape ropes work, you just teleported through the ceiling_ because I hadn't seen one of those ropes before."

"I see," said Silver, watching Silvera escape on the aforementioned escape rope.

ooo

At the top of Sprout Tower, a sagely Elder awaited DR DUDE and Sausage. He fought bravely with – guess what? – Bellsprouts, but he was finally defeated by the brave young trainers. Their prize: a brand new TM70 disk.

Ethan, of course, was having a great time with his new move.

"I got the flash TM! I can flash people! I can teach BIGBOY to flash people!"

"Oh my god. Shut up."

"I can order BIGBOY to flash people! Oh yeah, baby. I can just run around Violet, flashing people, and it'll be _awesome_."

Silver took a long drink from his can. He was really not drunk enough to deal with Ethan flashing anyone.

"But," said Ethan, holding up a finger, "do I really need a TM to learn how to flash? Because I'm pretty sure that I always knew how to do it."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Which means," Ethan continued, "that flash is probably part of my natural moveset! So… why am I so happy again? I already knew how to flash people!"

"No comment." It was true. Silver could confirm – from far too much first-hand experience – that Ethan did indeed know how to flash people. Or, more specifically and accurately, that Ethan did indeed know how to flash _him_.

"I'm going to get my Bellsprout and flash that Onix and get Onixed," announced Ethan. He walked DR DUDE over to the nearby item on the ground, picked up the escape rope, and teleported out of the Sprout Tower.

ooo

"Should I give this little guy a name?" wondered Ethan. He had just captured a Bellsprout – at last. "I'm gonna trade him right away anyway..."

"No."

"Okay, cool. I'm going to name him… ILOVETHAN."

ooo

DR DUDE's team was now one Bellsprout lower and one Onix higher. Unfortunately, he had discovered the bane of all traders – the fact that traded Pokemon could not be renamed. The Onix had already been named Rocky by his previous owner, and Rocky it would forever be named.

"Stop it, moron," said Silver when Ethan showed no sign of halting his big 'nooooo'.

"-ooooo," finished Ethan. "But how am I going to name him PENIS now?! What do I do?!"

Gengar patted him on the back. He could understand exactly how upsetting it was, to be let down from the dream of watching a phallic rock-solid snake called PENIS use the move harden.

ooo

The final challenge of Violet City was in sight. Falkner, the flying-type master of the Violet City gym. The first badge of the League challenge was just one battle away.

Unfortunately, Ethan was not in a state to be able to face it.

"But now I can never have a PENIS that hardens," moaned Ethan. "Isn't that sad? It's sad! You should have some sympathy…"

"I'm not drunk enough to sympathise with this," said Silver. Anything involving Ethan and penises was too much for Silver to handle.

"But you're my booooyfriend," Ethan whined. "And wouldn't you be sooo-"

"Stop talking like that!" Ethan was definitely past his daily quota of whining. Not that Silver thought of themselves having a whine-quota, but if they did, Ethan was definitely past it.

"Okay, wouldn't you be so sad if my PENIS couldn't harden? No wait, _aren't_ you sad? It's a reality! It's happening!"

There was no good way to answer that question. Silver coughed.

Gengar deflated himself, as a helpful illustration. (He was like a purple beachball in more ways than one.)

"But you do have a Pokemon that can harden. It just happens to be called Rocky. So, really, your question is… inaccurate. And stupid."

"Your face is inaccurate and stupid," grumbled Ethan.

ooo

Battles were so much more exciting in real life, Ethan decided. It just wasn't the same on this DS game – right now, Falkner's Pidgeotto was kicking his ass by virtue of roosting every second turn, and this was _indescribably stupid_ because in real life, he would've just order BIGBOY to intercept that Pidgeotto's landing before he could roost his feathery butt, or body slam the tree when he did.

"This is stupid," he said out loud.

"I hate this Falkner," said Silver in reply. He was scowling at the screen quite impressively. "What are you moaning about, you've got an Onix, haven't you? At least you have a type advantage."

"Oh… heh," Ethan said, putting his DS down for a moment and joining Silver on the couch to watch his battle.

"That fucking Pidgeotto took down Tofu already because she was a grass-type. And now I can't even use kumquat's lick because it's a ghost move."

"How did you beat him in real life?"

"I don't know!"

"_Did_ you beat him in real life?"

"Yes, you idiot! How do you think I got to the Pokemon League?"

"You might have stolen a badge or something, I dunno," said Ethan. "No, don't hit me! I didn't mean it! It was a joke!"

**ooo**

_in case the names confuse you, we have:  
Ethan's game: trainer is DR DUDE (Ethan), rival is ASSFACE. Pokemon are __BIGBOY_ (Totodile) and _Rocky_ (Onix).  
Silver's game: trainer is _Sausage_ (Lyra), rival is Silvera. Pokemon are Tofu (_Chikorita_) and _kumquat_ (Gastly).

_Nickname suggestions for the rest of their teams are welcomed! _

_Also, do you think I should use 'Ethan' or 'Gold'? I've been using 'Ethan', but I can't help writing 'Gold' all over the place because of my other fics, haha. This is set in the same continuity as all my other Huntershipping things, I just wanted to see what it was like using 'Ethan' instead._


	4. Azalea Town, part I

**Chapter Four  
**_In which Gold has questionable taste in celebrities, Azalea Town is reached, and two more Pokemon are added to the roster.  
_

ooo

Silver did not recall Falkner being such a nuisance to battle. Two blackouts later, and that Zephyr badge was still no closer. What made it even more irritating was that Ethan had already got his shiny new Zephyr badge – and on his first attempt too. And being Ethan, of course, the cockhead was rubbing it in as much as humanly possible.

"I got a badge I got a badge I got a badge!"

"I know," muttered Silver through gritted teeth. "Gengar knows. Everyone in this flat knows. In fact, I think everyone in the whole of Goldenrod knows, so you can shut your stupid face."

"I got a badge! C'mon man, what's up with you?"

"This is fucking impossible!" Silver threw down his DS in disgust. "How am I supposed to win this with a Chikorita and a Gastly? Fuck this!"

"Maybe you should get a HARD ONIX?" suggested Ethan.

"No," said Silver firmly. He would never sink that low.

ooo

It took a lot of time and much frustration to beat Falkner.

"Fucking finally," Silver grumbled, watching Falkner give Sausage a few congratulatory words, a badge, and a TM.

"Aren't you happy? Lighten up, grumpypants."

"My pants are not grumpy," said Silver – grumpily.

"That's not what grumpypants means-"

"I know, moron! It was a joke!" Silver shouted. He crossed his arms moodily. "Hmph."

"… whatever, man. It was a pretty shitty joke-"

"For the love of Entei, will you just shut up!"

"Sheesh, princess! You just beat the guy! You deserve a break! Just eat some pretzels and relax, alright?"

Silver glared at him, but couldn't find anything to reply to that. "… fine."

"If you wanna take a break, we can," said Ethan generously. (Taking breaks was not Ethan's style – he often went for days without remembering to wash, eat or sleep – but he'd learnt that other people actually needed to rest, go to the toilet, relax and nap every once in a while.)

"Hmph," said Silver, or rather, grunted Silver. "No, I just want to carry and forget about this asshole. It was so much easier in real life, I'm sure it was."

"Don't worry about it," said Ethan, giving him a hug. "You managed to beat him anyway! That must've been pretty amazing in real life though, if you only had Tofu and kumquat!"

"They're not called that in real life," Silver reminded him. He flopped onto the sofa in a grouchy manner and picked up his Pokegear.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking up a walkthrough online."

"What? Why? We don't need a walkthrough! We're too awesome to need help!"

"It's not help, it's… yeah, maybe it is help! I don't care, it's a shortcut! I don't want to spend so much time wandering around, I just want to get to the gym, alright?"

"Nooo," said Ethan, snatching the Pokegear. "The wandering-around-lost part is the best part of adventuring!"

"No it's not! The best part of adventuring is fucking_ winning_!"

"Gengarrr! Garrrr…" said Gengar, bouncing between them. _Just play the game! I'm bored…_

"Do something else then!" snapped Silver. "I'm taking a nap. Ethan, if you don't want to use a guide, then you can find out where to go next. For both of us."

"What?"

"No talking! I'm fucking exhausted."

ooo

Watching Ethan wander around getting lost on his own (with Silver making angry – though mostly sleepy – noises whenever he or Gengar said anything) was nowhere near as amusing as watching Ethan and Silver get lost together. And anyway, the place where Ethan was simultaneously getting DR DUDE and Sausage lost in was hardly an exciting adventure – it was just a cave stuffed with seemingly nothing but Zubats. Oh, and the odd Geodude. Gengar, seeing that the situation had turned from mischief-filled fun into drowsy boredom, decided to leave.

ooo

Ampharos ambled into the room. He chirped a greeting to Ethan, who was currently draping himself over a pile of Comfortable Things. The Comfortable Things included three cushions, the back of a sofa, and Silver.

"Hey, buddy!" said Ethan, waving at the Pokemon. He handed him Silver's DS. "Finally, someone can help me with this. It's freaking impossible trying to control two games at once!"

"... amphi?" said Ampharos. He wasn't quite sure what to do with this piece of gadgetry. Sticking his tongue out in concentration, he poked a button-

-well, he _would_ have poked a button if Ethan hadn't shouted, "NOOO STOP!" just as his button-poking was about to commence. He squeaked loudly in surprise instead.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" yelled Silver, throwing the cushion off his face. "Ethan, you're crushing me! Get the fuck off me and shut up!"

"Aee!" squeaked Ampharos.

"Ampharos, don't press that button!" said Ethan, waving frantically at Ampharos but not getting the fuck off Silver. "That's the power button! That turns it on and off, and we don't want to turn the game off without saving first," he explained.

Ampharos apologised. He nervously flicked his ears towards Silver, who moaned and tried to sit up.

"God, I feel awful," Silver complained. "What time is it now, anyway?"

"You've been asleep for… half an hour! Well done, man!"

"Get off me."

"I won't! I refuse!"

"Pass me my DS, then."

Ampharos passed him the DS. Then he sat down and started eating the various snack foods strewn around the floor.

"Should he be eating floor food?" Silver asked Ethan, wrinkling his nose.

"Why not?" said Ethan, puzzled. He always ate floor food! "Anyway, look how far I've got us! I went aaaall the way down Route 32, through the Union Cave, and aaaaall the way along Route 33, and look! We're in Azalea, baby!"

Silver yawned. "Oh. Thanks."

"And I got loads of cool stuff," Ethan continued. "Like these Togepis!"

"We have Togepis?"

"We have Togepi eggs," clarified Ethan. "One of Elm's scientist buddies gave them to us just as we were leaving Violet City."

"I don't want a Togepi egg," said Silver, not quite processing this information.

"But… but… you don't?"

"You've already got a Togekiss," Silver pointed out. "I don't see the point in me trying to find another one."

"Are we still talking about the game? I mean, in the game! We have Togepi eggs in the game!"

"Yeah, I know, dumbass!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Gahh!"

Ampharos shocked them both. (Gently.) He didn't really like arguments.

"Stop that!" shouted Silver. He looked at his DS, tapping the menu to see his Pokemon team. "Hey… how do you know they're Togepi eggs? It doesn't say."

"It's canon," said Ethan. "C'mon, like, why would they hand me an egg just after my first badge that didn't hatch into the same Pokemon that I got as an egg just after my real life first badge? That doesn't make any sense! That would just be silly."

"Yes, but I'm playing as Sausage. Shit, I mean Lyra. How would that make sense?"

Ethan thought about this. "What does your walkthrough say?"

"You just told me not to use the walkthrough!"

"Oh yeah. Silver, don't use the walkthrough!"

Ampharos sighed.

ooo

"Ew," said Ethan. DR DUDE, accompanied by his faithful BIGBOY, was standing at the edge of a well filled with sad-looking Slowpokes. "I forgot about this. Why the fuck would anyone want to eat a Slowpoke's tail?"

"They're quite nice with barbeque sauce and chilli," said Silver offhandedly.

"Ew!"

"Phii!" squeaked Ampharos.

"What?" said Silver, looking up and scowling. "Eating Pokemon isn't weird!"

"Amphar," said Ampharos nervously, sidling towards Ethan.

"It is weird," said Ethan, "it is so weird. Why would you _do _that?!"

"Pokemon eat other Pokemon," Silver said. "Do you find _that_ weird?"

"Ampha!" said Ampharos emphatically. He didn't just find it weird – he found the idea somewhat terrifying. It was especially terrifying when you were a little sheep-like creature lost in a world full of Fearow and Mightyena.

"Yeah, but that's in the wild! We don't live in the wild, we live in the city where we have plenty of cows and sheep and fish so you don't have to do stuff like eating Pokemon. So."

"I don't eat Slowpoke tails all the time, you moron. Besides, I haven't had it for years. I'm just saying that it's not weird to eat Pokemon. Anyway Slowpokes regenerate their tails, so it doesn't even fucking matter."

"It's weird to eat Pokemon when you could… not eat a Pokemon. And it probably still hurts for the Slowpoke!"

"Whatever," said Silver, shrugging.

"You don't find it bad to just kill and eat a Pokemon? Like, at all?"

"What the fuck? No, I do find it bad! That's why I don't do it, dumbass! I just said, I ate Slowpoke tail a few years ago and it doesn't taste weird. That's why Team Rocket made such a profit on selling them."

"I'm so confused…" Ethan said.

"Ampharos…" said Ampharos, who was wishing that they would stop talking about eating Slowpokes (and by extension, the possibility eating Mareeps).

"So you agree that eating Pokemon is bad."

"Yes…?" said Silver, who was also wishing that they would stop talking about this.

"So why would you do it?"

"Look, it was ages ago, and everyone eats Slowpoke tail in Team Rocket. It just tastes really good, alright? Just get the fuck over it!"

"Okay okay, princess," said Ethan, making soothing gestures. "So the point is, you do actually find eating Slowpokes weird."

"It's not weir- oh for fuck's sake, this is all just about you not getting what the word 'weird' means, isn't it?"

"Uh….?"

"It's the same as if I said, I think stealing is bad but it's not weird because I can understand why someone would do it," said Silver. "Are those words small enough for your incredibly thick as fuck skull?"

"But you did steal loads of stuff," said Ethan, who was still confused.

"Yes, that is my point. What about it?"

"So you do think that-"

And then Ampharos shocked them both. He had only come in because Gengar had told him that there were pretzels and peanuts. Now he had been completely put off eating, thanks to _some people_ refusing to stop talking about devouring Slowpokes.

ooo

DR DUDE and Sausage followed Kurt, the apparent leader of Azalea Town, into the Slowpoke Well.

It looked dark and wet.

"I don't want to go in further," said Ethan. "It looks horrible. Can't I just get out of here?"

"Hey," said Silver, "did you actually go in there? When you went to Azalea yourself?"

"Yeah, it didn't look this disgusting though. Like, it's an actual cave thing with plants and light and everything, not this little pipe hole thing here. You've been to Azalea, you remember the Well, right?"

"You were the one who beat Team Rocket and got them out of Azalea? Are you being serious?"

"Yeah, I already told you that when I met you afterwards!"

"Ampha!" chimed in Ampharos. _I helped!_

"I thought you were lying and showing off, you prick!" Silver scowled at him. "I thought you were just an idiot, so I didn't expect you were being serious."

"Well, I _was_ showing off, I guess," said Ethan fairly. "But yeah, I totally kicked their asses in there! I can't believe you didn't believe me! Silver, that is unforgivably rude. Seriously unforgivably rude!"

"That means you actually did beat Proton, then. I see."

"… is Proton someone I know?"

"The admin that was in charge of that operation. I remember seeing him in that town, so I'm sure it was him."

Ethan looked at him blankly. "Uh, no offence, but pretty much everyone in Team Rocket looks… exactly the same…"

"Why would I be offended?"

"Because… Team Rocket…?"

"I wasn't even in Team Rocket! I just happened to related to someone who was!"

"I didn't mean that!" said Ethan quickly. "I just meant-"

The great thing about electric shocks was that no-one ever got used to them. A mild shock was enough to surprise anyone, anytime. Ampharos had long since accepted the fact that he would forever be stuck in between Ethan and Silver arguing, and conversely they had long since grown used to the fact that he would electrically stun them into stopping. But, of course, they could never really get used to the actual shocks.

"Ampharos, you need to stop doing that so strongly," said Ethan weakly, once his fingers stopped giving off sparks.

Silver looked like he had something rather ruder to say to Ampharos, but he checked himself. There was no reason to give Ampharos another reason to punish him.

"Amphi…" said Ampharos, looking sufficiently apologetic. "Ampha pharo…"

"We're totally not arguing!" said Ethan, quickly shifting over and kissing Silver until Ampharos looked satisfied. (Ampharos was a sucker for anything mushy and romantic.) "Everything is good, I promise."

"No more talking about Team Rocket," muttered Silver.

There was a pause.

"Wait a sec," said Ethan. "Ampharos, did you say you were there when I went to the Slowpoke Well?"

"Amph!"

"But… DR DUDE doesn't have a Mareep… what the fuck? I've only got BIGBOY, Rocky and this egg!"

"Oh my god, you dumbass. Everyone knows you can only find Mareeps on Route 32 or near Mahogany," said Silver, without explaining how he knew that.

"Nooooo," said Ethan. "I have to go _all the way back_?!"

"Have fun in Union Cave. I heard it's full of Zubat."

"Oh man," Ethan said. "I love Zubat! Those twenty-seven Zubat battles in a row while you were sleeping were fantastic."

"Are you… being sarcastic? Please tell me you've learnt how to be sarcastic, because the only other explanation is too disturbing."

Ethan had the distressing ability to be excited and enthused for every type of Pokemon battle. This apparently included cave Zubats.

Speaking of Zubats, Silver suddenly remembered something important. He too needed to do a little backtracking for his team.

ooo

"Are we going to have another argument over names?" asked Silver, who had just captured a nice new Zubat.

"Do you want a clever name or a sexy name?" said Ethan without looking up.

"Preferably neither, since I like my Pokemon without nicknames."

"Aha!" said Ethan, this time looking up and poking him. "Then why did you ask me, eh? Mwahahaha! My devilishly evil plan of nicknaming all the Pokemon – _all of them _– is coming to fruition!"

"Why are you laughing?" said Silver, kicking him.

"Lessee… so your name's Sausage, and you've got a Zubat which is a flying blue thing… aha!"

"What?"

"You should call him DILDO!"

Silver stared at him, clearly scandalised. Ampharos hung his head in shame.

"Sorry, Amph," Ethan said. "I'm almost at Route 32, see!"

"Ethan, that was awful, even for you," Silver told him. "I'd say I didn't think you could sink lower, but I always knew you were a complete moron."

"Thank you," said Ethan cheerfully. "How about BRUCE WAYNE? Nah, that's too long. Or DRACULA? BATCULA? EDWARD? Ooh, how about BATWARD? Ooooh, you should call him RPATTZ! Or BATPATTZ!"

"What the fuck is an rpattz?"

"It's a deviously clever shorthand for Robert Pattinson," explained Ethan, gazing dreamily into the distance. "Y'know, Robert Pattinson? From those movies? Falls in love with Bella?"

"Is he a bat?"

"Well, technically… no. But he's so hot…" – Ampharos tapped him on the shoulder disapprovingly – "butdefinitelynowherenearashotasyouokay," Ethan finished hastily once he remembered who he was talking to. "Besides, he has stupid hair. Don't call your Zubat RPATTZ. That would be stupid."

"Is he the person on that poster in your bedroom back at New Bark?" said Silver suspiciously.

"Yes!" Ethan said jubilantly, giving Ampharos a high-five. "Oh no, wait, which poster? I have a lot of them."

"The one at the head of your bed."

"Yeah! Just don't get it confused with the Zefron poster. Or the 'I'm a Belieber' poster. Or the Taylor Lautner one. Wait, should that be T-Laut?"

"Ampharo pharos amphi?!" said Ampharos, which loosely translated to, 'How can you possibly have a T-Laut as well as an R-Pattz poster?!' He had never actually been inside Ethan's room, and this new information shocked him to the core. It was… sacrilege.

"Shh," said Ethan.

"In that case, yes, I remember him. He was quite… attractive… and obviously much more attractive than you will ever be. Ever," said Silver smugly.

"Silveeeer," Ethan whined. "You're doing that thing where you're being meeeeean to me again."

"In fact, I like him so much more than you that I'm going to name my Zubat after him," Silver continued. He tapped around on the touchscreen, soon finding that not only could one use lower-case letters, one could also use a variety of exciting symbols.

"Siiiiilveeeer oooh what's that?" said Ethan. Silver had managed to get a heart symbol on his Zubat's nickname line. "Where did you find it? I want it! It's so sassy!"

"I don't think sassy was the word you were looking for."

Silver thought about the heart. Maybe it was a bit too much. He erased it and wrote 'R-Battz' instead.

"Silver, that's… that's…" Ethan gazed upon the nickname with wide eyes. "Silver, that's _brilliant_! It's genius! It's the coolest nickname ever! It's so totally radical!"

"Who even says 'radical' nowadays?" muttered Silver, but he looked pleased nonetheless.

"Can you call me R-"

"No."

"But I really-"

"No."

"Even-"

"Even during sex."

Silver had had this conversation with Ethan far too many times.

ooo

"Awww yes!" shouted Ethan, high-fiving Ampharos. On his screen, BIGBOY stood opposite a captured Mareep. Ethan quickly clicked through the dialogue screens and selected 'Yes' in response to the question, 'Give a nickname to the caught MAREEP?'

"Amphi amphi amphi!" said Ampharos excitedly, looking at the in-game version of himself. "Ampharo amphi amphi!"

"Don't worry, you'll have the best name ever!" said Ethan, gleefully thinking of all the wonderful options. What to try first…? He'd have to beat Silver's R-Battz somehow.

He copied what Silver had done and typed in a few hearts. Then he put in a few exclamation marks. And then a bracket.

"Nah, that's stupid," he said aloud. He tried again.

"What's stupid?"

"Your mum," said Ethan, not really thinking about it. "Uh… yeah. I got it! Check this out, baby!"

Ampharos eagerly leant over. Silver less eagerly leant over.

There, on the screen, read the immortal words, 'I [heartshape] K-STEW'.

"You like stew?" said Silver. He was not terribly impressed.

"It stands for Kristen Stewart, duh," said Ethan and Ampharos at the same time. To be more accurate, Ampharos did not exactly say the same words at the same time, being an Ampharos, but his meaning was identical.

"… is she the girl on that other poster on your wall? The one next to the Robert Pattinson one?" Silver narrowed his eyes.

"Yeaaah," said Ethan, grinning. "What's the matter, princess? Jealous?"

Silver made a noise of disbelief.

"Ooh, jealous because she's so beautiful and I love her? Or jealous of my _bitchin'_ naming skills? _Or both_?!"

"That's not even a name! You can't call someone 'I love K-Stew!'"

"Yes I can, 'cos I just did," Ethan informed him. He high-fived Ampharos again. "'Cos I'm so_ totally awesome_."

**ooo**

_a/n: Sadly this site does not allow me to insert a proper heart symbol into Mareep's name! You will have to imagine it._

_Gold has several other embarrassing posters, but they are far too embarrassing to be mentioned._


	5. Azalea Town, part II

**Chapter** **Five  
**_In which evolutions occur (and some... do not occur) and Hive Badges are won._

ooo

"Alright," said Silver, resigning himself to a lifetime of R-Battz and K-Stew. Why had he called his Zubat R-Battz, anyway? He was beginning to regret it. "We should head back to the Slowpoke Well."

"But that's ages away," said Gold mournfully. He was still on Route 32, having just caught a Mareep – now known as I K-STEW – and was therefore on the wrong side of Union Cave.

"I thought you liked fighting Zubat in the cave."

"I do, but I don't like walking there… it's so far…"

"Suck it."

"Hey, I walked Sausage through for you while you were asleep! You haven't even done it yourself!"

Silver had to admit that this was true.

"Sooo… the obvious solution to this problem is that you should take DR DUDE through Union Cave this time, don't you think?"

"No," said Silver.

ooo

"Make sure you're training K-STEW properly!" said Ethan, watching Silver play on his DS from over his shoulder. "He needs to gain a few more levels to catch up with BIGBOY!"

"What about Rocky?" said Silver irritably.

"Oh yeah, uh, you can just… let him go or something. He's kinda disappointing me."

Silver sighed. "It's just a name! Get over it and let me start training him properly."

"Yeah, no, it's not _just_ a name! It's the whole point of having an Onix! I can't just have a ten-foot solid rock snake called _Rocky._ C'mon, Silver, that would just be _stupid_."

"Whatever," said Silver, who was not listening. "You can release him once you're in Azalea or something. Fine, I'll train your Mareep."

"His name's K-STEW!"

"I thought it was 'I love K-Stew'."

Ampharos yawned. He had finished the bowl of pretzels and the bowl of peanuts quite a while ago, and neither Ethan nor Silver looked like they were going to get any more any time soon. He got up and trundled out of the room.

"Hey, where did Ampharos go?" said Ethan, leaning back against the empty air where Ampharos had been and falling over.

Silver sniggered.

ooo

"Oh my god! Oh my god oh my fucking god oh fuck yeah! Where's Feraligatr? He needs to see this!" cried Ethan, bounding out of the room to find his Pokemon.

"It's not that exciting…" muttered Silver. He was half-tempted to mash the A button and complete BIGBOY's evolution before Ethan came back in. The only problem was that Ethan would probably then sulk and refuse to talk to him for two hours.

Then again, Ethan shutting up for two hours might actually be a good thing.

But before he could press A, though, Feraligatr stormed into the room and marched right up to Silver's face, growling intimidatingly. Ethan rushed in behind him.

"Look! He's evolving! He's gonna be a big strong Croconaw! It's a miracle!" shouted Ethan, snatching his DS from Silver and showing Feraligatr.

Feraligatr snapped his jaws happily. "Ferrra!" he agreed. He pressed the A button and watched as the Totodile on the screen started morphing into the shape of a Croconaw.

"Wow…" said Ethan, entranced.

"Are you done yet?" snapped Silver. "I thought you wanted me to help you through the cave!"

"Silver, you have no appreciation for the miracle of life!" said Ethan, shushing him with a handwave. "You have no appreciation for the hard work and effort that young BIGBOY has put in, just waiting for this special moment!"

"You are an idiot," said Silver.

"Shh! Yeah, well, you're just jealous because Tofu hasn't evolved!"

And then the evolution finished, and BIGBOY was now a proud little Croconaw. Feraligatr nodded approvingly, while Ethan looked like he was about to melt from heartwarmed happiness.

ooo

The Slowpoke Well was just as dark and as wet as Ethan had feared. Silver still couldn't work out why Ethan was so bothered by this, given that he had voluntarily waded through the very same cave in real life and also that this was a game played in the comfort of their living room. If anything, Silver felt he had a right to be more bothered by the Well, what with the whole Team Rocket infestation and the presence of Executive Proton.

"I hate Team Rocket," he muttered, as the third Rocket grunt in a row challenged him to a battle. "What a group of weak morons."

"Oi, this isn't how it happened in real life," said Ethan. He looked confused.

"What happened in real life then?" growled Silver.

"Well, I saw those guys cutting off tails and then I said I'd call the cops, but then that dude was like, 'No you won't because it's four against one, you loser.' So then Mareep ran behind the main dude and the guy tripped over him. Then Mareep shocked all the Rocket guys and I called the police. Yeeeah!"

"Wait, wait," said Silver. "So you didn't actually battle Proton yourself?"

"Pssh no," said Ethan, waving him off. "I had, like, one badge! Man, I really sucked back then."

Feraligatr shoved him lightly.

"I mean, we… really sucked back then!" said Ethan. "Sorry, but it's true. We've improved a whole lot since then, y'know."

"Frrrgatr."

"Oh yeah, that's true, BIGBOY has always been awesome though."

Silver shook his head. "So when you told me an hour ago that you beat Proton, that wasn't actually true."

"It was true!" said Ethan defensively. "I totally beat him!"

"It doesn't really matter," Silver said. "I just couldn't believe your Pokemon could beat Proton's, and I guess I was right. That's all."

"Well, uh, yeah. It doesn't make me any less awesome though!"

"Humph."

Ethan was now battling the famed Executive Proton. It was not as exciting as he had imagined, but possibly more exciting than watching the man fall over a Mareep.

"Booyeah! Just beat him fair and square in a fair and square Pokemon battle, oh yeah!"

"This is so unrealistic," said Silver, gritting his teeth. "Why the fuck would Proton battle a teenager, anyway? Why are his Pokemon so weak? Why does he only have two on his team? How the fuck did we just beat him? Urgh."

"C'mon, man, just enjoy the game. Don't you feel satisfied, winning and shit?"

Silver thought about it. "No, not really. It's hardly satisfying when it's not even… it's not even meaningful, because it's so unrealistically easy."

Ethan patted him on the back. "Gosh, yeah, it must be terrible for you, finding things easy."

ooo

And then it was time for the gym. Azalea Gym, in fact. The home of bug-type trainers everywhere, led by the conveniently named Bugsy.

But Sausage and DR DUDE were nowhere near Bugsy at the moment. They were making their way through the expansive gym on the absurdly slow spider-cart transports, fighting various trainee bug-trainers, and generally getting rather tired of bugs.

Well, one of them was.

"Oh yeah, DR DUDE wins again! Go, K-STEW!" Ethan whooped and attempted to high-five Feraligatr – it failed, because Feraligatr was not interested in any of DR DUDE's Pokemon that were not named BIGBOY. Ethan attempted to high-five Silver instead.

"Fuck off," said Silver.

He should have known that trying to command Ethan to do _anything_ was more likely to have the opposite effect.

"Gaghhkk!" said Silver eloquently. "You're squashing me! Feraligatr, get him off me."

"Frrr."

"_Please,_" Silver added. God, he hated everyone.

"Silveeeeer," said Ethan as he was hoisted off. "Why won't you share in DR DUDE's victorious joy?!"

"Because I'm fucking exhausted, and DR DUDE's been trying to share his shitload of victorious joy for so many hours that I don't even give a fuck anymore," said Silver, glaring at him.

"Oof!" said Ethan as Feraligatr dropped him on the floor. He crawled over to Silver and sprawled over him again, using him as a make-shift pillow. "Ooh, can we have a nap after we beat Bugsy?"

"Yes," Silver said, shrugging Ethan's head off his shoulders and onto a more comfortable spot on his back. "Which is why I want you to shut up and finish this gym without celebrating every time you knock out a Weedle."

He turned back to his DS. Something exciting was happening on the screen; it looked like Tofu was following in BIGBOY's footsteps and evolving. Silver decided not to say anything aloud. It wasn't _that_ exciting.

The Tofu-shaped outline on the screen started transforming back and forth from the familiar Chikorita shape to a new one, slowly getting faster and faster. She was evolving into a-

"Ha!" said Ethan, pressing the B button.

"What the fuck?" said Silver, elbowing him. "What the fuck have you done?"

Tofu did not evolve.

"I just wanted to see if it worked," said Ethan. Feraligatr grinned toothily behind him.

Silver stared at the screen. "What. You… you fucking moron! Look what you've done! Why the fuck would you fucking do that, you fucking _asshole_?!"

ooo

"How old is Bugsy?" asked Ethan.

Silver shrugged. "No idea."

"Is he even an adult? How did he get that job, anyway?"

Silver shrugged again.

"Man, how come he gets to be a gym leader and I don't?" said Ethan, thinking about how amazing life as a gym leader would be.

"You could be a gym leader if you wanted," Silver said. "You're the Champion. Any city would practically beg you to be their gym leader."

"I'm so much more awesome than Bugsy." Ethan was clearly not listening to a word Silver said. "I'm so much cooler than him, _and_ I'm like, two hundred times more _supermegaawesomefoxyhot_ than him."

"If you want to be a gym leader, just apply for it next time!" exclaimed Silver.

"But then I'd have to specialise in a type," Ethan realised. "Nah, that would suck. Maybe I should just become League Champion? Man, I'm like at least twice as hot as Lance. Maybe I should get a cape!"

"You are League Champion, you fucking moron!"

"Yeah, and I'm definitely at least as hot as-"

"What does being attractive have to do with being a gym leader?" said Silver, shoving Ethan into a wall to make him stop talking.

"You have to be hot to be a gym leader, duh," said Ethan as if it were the most obvious thing in Johto.

"Wait. What?"

"I'm just saying, no-one would vote for me if I wasn't hot," explained Ethan. "I could _definitely_ win against Bugsy. I could probably win against Falkner, definitely Morty. I dunno about Clair, she has awesome hair _and _an awesome cape. I-"

"Ethan," said Silver. He really did not want to deal with this right now. "Shut. Up." He looked to Feraligatr for help, but none was forthcoming.

"How many paedophiles do you think live in Azalea?"

"… none?"

"Then how did Bugsy get voted in for gym leader, huh?"

"Ethan, I really don't think… that's... I don't think that's how they get elected," said Silver slowly. (If he tried thinking or speaking any faster, the urge to punch Ethan would be too strong to resist.)

"Oh Silver," said Ethan kindly. "You don't have to lie to me, I know I'm clearly the most studly and awesome of all the guys in Johto. I just wanted to-"

"Just stop talking."

Ethan did not stop talking, but Silver stopped listening. Cogs started to turn in his brain. There were only two options, and both were awful. Either Ethan was honestly really that dim, or the whole thing was an elaborate ruse just to get Silver to say aloud how attractive he thought Ethan was.

(The answer was 'very', but it wasn't like Gold had to know that.)

"… -but it would mean _so much_ to me if you told me how much you supported me in these gym leadership endeavours, because I mean of course I know how awesome I am, but you as a representative of the citizens of Azalea-"

Really, Silver didn't know why Ethan even bothered with these convoluted ways of fishing for compliments. His self-esteem was far too high already.

ooo

"Yes!" exclaimed Silver, having won a brand new Hive Badge (as well as another TM, which he didn't find quite as thrilling). He glanced over at Ethan and his DS; Feraligatr was already watching that game intently.

Bugsy was not as hard a gym leader as Falkner, Ethan found, but it still took more than one attempt to get past him. He was probably going to have to resort to using Rocky to deal with Bugsy's final line of defence, that damned Scyther.

He really had to get round to releasing Rocky.

"Maaaan," moaned Ethan. "I want my Ninetales. This is taking aaages."

"I already won," Silver smugly informed him.

"Gatr!" said Feraligatr worriedly, watching BIGBOY's HP drain away after a critical hit from the Scyther. BIGBOY fainted.

"Sorry," said Ethan. "He was kinda… in the way... I needed to get Rocky out without losing a turn."

"Well," said Silver, raising an eyebrow. "I think the word you want is 'expendable'. That's rather cold-hearted, from such a Champion like you, to purposely leave your beloved Croconaw out to get knocked out."

"Yeah… uh…" Ethan looked uncomfortable. Silver made a mental note of this; turning the tables on Ethan was something he had to do more often.

"Just think, poor little Croconaw trusted you so much, and then you don't even order him back safely – you just leave him. He could've been killed. Or worse."

"His name's BIGBOY!" cried Ethan. "And… uh… y'know, it was a tactical advantage! If I hadn't done that, Rocky wouldn't have been able to land a second rock throw, and then… yeah! All of DR DUDE's Pokemon would be proud to be the cause of such a fucking great win."

"Gatr gatr!" agreed Feraligatr, sticking his chest out proudly. "Ferrrr gatr!"

"See!"

"Yes, well, you haven't actually won yet," Silver pointed out.

"Oh yeah."

They watched as Rocky landed that predicted second rock throw. Scyther fainted.

"SEE, LOOK AT THAT," said Ethan. "It was necessary! DR DUDE will explain to BIGBOY afterwards. He's a big boy, he'll be alright."

"It's a still a cold-hearted deception. Sausage would be ashamed of you."

"She probably would, actually," said Ethan, thinking of Lyra and her caring ways. "Oh – wait a moment, I think I [heart] K-STEW's evolving! Oh my god oh my god I need to get Ampharos in right this instant."

"It's not that exciting," said Silver. He quickly pressed the A button on Ethan's DS before Ethan or Feraligatr could move.

I K-STEW evolved into Flaaffy.

"Oh GODDAMNIT, FUCK, NOOOOO," said Ethan. "That was a special moment, you assface! You ass! You assface! JustkiddingIloveyoureally but fuck you, I wanted to share that with Ampharos, goddamnit."

"Hmph! It serves you right for fucking around when my Tofu evolved, asshole."

"Yeah, but then Tofu became a Bayleef in like, your next battle! I'll never share this moment with my dear sweet beloved Ampharos ever again… it's just too awful…"

"Flaaffy evolves into Ampharos," Silver said tiredly. "He still has another evolution to go."

"Oh yeah," said Ethan.

"Also, it wasn't just the next battle – it took a long time for her to gain the next level."

"Whatever, man."

ooo

"Can we take a nap now?" asked Ethan. "You said we could after we beat Bugsy…"

Silver yawned. "Sure."

Feraligatr suddenly growled loudly and shook Ethan back into full wakefulness. He handed Ethan the DS.

"What the…? Oh my gosh, it's ASSFACE! I totally forgot I ran into you at Azalea!"

"What an occasion," muttered Silver. He walked Sausage out of the Pokemon centre where he had left her, and into the aforementioned meeting with her rival, the dreaded Silvera.

"ASSFACE! My dear love! Where have you been all my life?!" cried Ethan, practically swooning at the sight. Feraligatr gave a long-suffering sigh and glared at Silver as if this was all his fault.

Which, in a way, it probably was.

"I – I mean, your rival – just met you back at the Sprout Tower," said Silver. He was not really in the mood for theatrics. He was more in the mood for napping. "Calm down."

"Oh my god hell yes, a Pokemon battle! With my dickish but secretly-really-mega-hot rival ASSFACE, oh yes. C'mon, DR DUDE, show some more emotion! Woo him with your manly charms!"

Silver snorted. "What manly charms?"

"He's a DUDE. A DR of DUDES. Of course he's fucking manly!"

"… sure, I see."

"I wooed _you_ with my manly charms," said Ethan, pouncing on him from behind and wrapping his arms around his neck before Silver could react. "Soooo I think in a realistic depiction of our epic romance, DR DUDE should have that option."

"What about Sausage – I mean, Lyra?" said Silver, scowling at Ethan but not making any move to shake him off. It was actually quite comfortable.

"Oh," Ethan said, thinking about it. "Well, she could probably woo you with her womanly charms or something, I don't know. I guess that wouldn't work if game-you is also gay though. Or if game-Lyra is also gay. Hmm. I don't even know why she's in the game, to be honest… or why you're playing as her. Seriously, c'mon."

Feraligatr took the DS from Ethan's hands. "Frrr frr," he said, smirking a crocodile smirk. He was looking forward to beating up Silver's – well, ASSFACE's – ass in a Pokemon battle.

"Ethan, shut up and let me battle," said Silver, concentrating on ordering his Gastly, kumquat, to beat up … Silvera's Gastly. This was far too confusing. Both Gastlys cursed each other. At the same time.

"Gatr!" said Feraligatr triumphantly, having just knocked out ASSFACE's Gastly. _In your face!_

"Ooh! ASSFACE has a Bayleef now!" said Ethan, watching Feraligatr battle on his DS. "Oh hey, does that mean Silvera has a Quilava?"

"Yes," Silver replied. "Fuck this, this sucks, not having a full team. I don't think I've used a single type advantage since I started this game."

"There there," said Ethan, not very sympathetically.

**ooo**

_a/n: Silver thinks Clair's clothes are silly. Ethan thinks they are awesome. He thinks his shorts are more awesome, though.  
_


End file.
